Christina's blog

C'est la vie. (A fairytale.)

"Did you know you're not always right?" she asked?
Silence.

Maybe it was all a dream. A lovely dream turned strange.

She wondered to herself, "Why does it need to be considered a fairytale? To have someone want to save you, even though you're capable of saving yourself? Why is it a fairytale to want someone to want you so much that they'd go to drastic measures for you? Why has the simple act of actually being loved just for the sake of being loved become a fantasy?"

It doesn't have to be this way. It shouldn't be this way.

Fairytales rarely actually involve a real prince. There's usually not even a princess. It's usually Jane and Sean. Two ordinary people who touch and talk and embrace and love. They sometimes get married. Sometimes they have kids... or maybe they'll just get a dog. They decorate an apartment together. Or maybe they buy a house. They fight over who has to do the dishes that night or the fact that someone didn't fill the gas tank.

They fight over serious things sometimes. Like when he forgot the anniversary or she blew off his insecurities. Sometimes they don't know how they're going to pay this month's bills.

But they love each other, so they talk. They work things out and they touch and talk and embrace. Because they'll always have love.

Just because someone is your life, doesn't mean they can't live with out you... they just don't want to. They'll fight with you, for you, even sometimes against you... just because they feel it's what is best for you. Sometimes you don't understand it. Sometimes you think they're being childish. Silent in spite. Self-righteous, even. Sometimes they're just taking time to sort their thoughts. Figure out how to fight and whether the other even wants them to fight.

Because fairytales are not easy... though all those cynical people like to assume they are suppose to be that way. Hasn't anyone noticed? The prince always needs to pass some sort of trial. The princess always has to struggle.

These so called "fairytales" happen all the time. They're just a little messier than Disney portrays them.

In the past couple days...

... I finished two books! Go me!

I'm going to start Confessions of a Shopaholic tonight (or tomorrow, at work).

First book finished: "Gods Behaving Badly"

It was a good read. In all honesty, I probably know the Greek Gods and Goddesses better now than I did before the book. It was frivilous (but most of the ancient stories were frivolous too, in a way). I almost feel that this could be required reading for mythology classes because it does connect something that seems so old-school with modern life. It was silly and entertaining, but interesting as well. Not to mention, there was a lovely little love story thrown in there. We all know a love story never hurts anything.

Apollo is a little manslut. Aphrodite worked the phone-sex lines. Dionysus owned a nightclub and Hermes did everything no one else wanted to do. Oh, and Eros was a Christian. Things like that.

And they all lived in a decrepid, dirty building in London.

It's a great summer read. Light and breezy, I found it to be rather entertaining.

second book: "Girls of Riyadh"

I also liked this book. It was interesting to see how love (idealist and practical) was viewed from a non-American point of view. I'll say this much, love is complicated no matter where you go. It's a constant struggle between what makes your heart soar to the highest heights and what is the right, logical thing to do. I felt for most of the girls... I didn't really like Gamrah, but I could even feel a bit sorry for her. She seemed to be so helpless and it annoyed me at times, but I also know that I've felt hopeless too. So I couldn't hold it against her too much.

It was a good read for me, as a girl, because the narrator was very sure to make a point that she was not judging her friends. She felt they did nothing wrong. They were living the life every girl in Saudi Arabia struggled with (and really, girls everywhere struggle with the same basic problem when it comes down to it).

I wouldn't recommend the book to a dude, but I have already handed it to my mother. I think most girls/women can find something of worth -- some sort of wisdom --  in it.

A girl and happenstance.

Another one wandered in. Maybe this one had been there all along. Who knows? Probably only you.
All those words spoken were meaningless because you were never leaving.

Your roots are more firmly planted than hers.
Admit it, though? No.

A quiet arrogance, the thought that you knew more than anyone, was always something she secretly loved and hated about you. Love and hate were two passionate responses that were a daily part of her dealings with you. She felt alive if she was busy with either one.

She knows it's unhealthy, but emotions always rule. They rule you, even if you spoke in pragmatisms. They rule her, but she readily admits this. No decision is ever made in "logic" except for the ones you made for her.

She learned to never settle from you. Something she is thinking about unlearning because everyone settles eventually.

Now she's looking in on this new one. She wonders how this will transpire. Will this one also break you? Make you hate the world? Or will this one finally stick? Will there finally be a happy ending, even if it's not the one she had in mind?

Maybe she's meant to be alone. Maybe she's meant to be the one that wanders into their lives when they need someone and out once they're rebuilt and ready for someone more exciting.

She's not exciting; she's plain but lovely... still, unexciting. No, that's not quite right. She's not unexciting, she's steadfast. Steadfast is something she always thought would be a good thing, but really it's just caused her a lot of trouble.

She's unnamed. So are you. One of the many who have come and gone. She's the one who wonders, worries, paces and loses sleep. She's the one who sinks herself into delusions just so she can sleep. If she doesn't sleep, she fears the delusions will take over her waking life as well.

The last thing she needs is for someone to call her insane and techincally be right.

I had a dream [nightmare]

You were here. It was great.
Then you left. You didn't even say goodbye.

I called.
Something about Amanda.

I cried. I said "You just left? Without saying goodbye?"
I cried. I cried and you said "So, can't we just be friends?"
I gasped. I cried and I said "Fine, you want to know everything? I'm going to tell you everything."

Then I started to spill my soul all over my front yard. I yelled and cried into the phone.
I was just about to get to the soul-wrenching part.
I woke up.

Perhaps Freud would tell me I needed closure.
But my conscious mind wasn't quite ready for it.

Well, fuck my conscious mind. I'm going to do this myself.
It's obvious that the universe is telling me what I need to do, now I just need to do it.

I wish I could turn this into a novel. Maybe I could become a best seller.

Because I just keep dreaming.

I dream that I'm brave enough.
Or maybe just stupid enough.
To bare my soul and say things out loud.

I dream it goes well.
That I don't look insane.
Or selfish.
Or naive.

It stays in my dreams.

Tot: Oh Em Gee.

Loathes:
- This funk I've been in. This overworked, understimulated, not-enough-time funk I've been in.

That's basically it...

Loves:
- I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in DC this weekend.
  I'm pretty sure this is going to help my funk a bit.

Oh, I love southern vampires too.

May I have your attention please.

Reasons Christina hates weddings with a passion:

No.1 - She is not even CLOSE to planning one. Not even dating the man, let alone a man.

No. 2 - Awkward hugs. (Tonight it was the bride's mother. I am not a fan of hers, she came in for a hug, so I had to hug her. It was totally weird.)

No. 3 - THERE ARE FUCKING HAPPY COUPLES EVERYWHERE. (*ahem* apparently no single men ever attend weddings. ever.)

Tonight specific reasons:

No. 1 - I knew a total of two people there who were my age, minus the bride and groom. (Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for this... I sat with them. You'll see why they were so helpful in No. 2)

No. 2 - Remember the guy who I recently discussed regarding the inability to kiss? Ok, he was in the party. He brought a date. She was seated next to me. WHY would this happen? She looks at me and asks how I knew him, I said "Same way M knows him, from high school." She said were you two close? I tried not to look too caught off guard/awkward as I said something about not being too close... we just hung out a lot during this one study hall in HS... played hangman with a group of people.

I wanted to ask him if he has any idea how to use his tongue now, but I thought it best not to cause drama at a wedding.

No. 3 - Have I mentioned there are no available men everywhere. That whole "Oh, maybe you'll meet someone there" line that everyone (EVERYONE) fed me is a big load of bull shit. K. Thanks.

No. 4 - That $100 a plate food? It sucked. REALLY. Shrimp scampi does not equal oiled noodles with shrimp on top. It generally has flavor. Like, garlic. Like the stuff that cost me $8 the other night at the little Italian restaurant. That is scampi. I ate ramen noodles sans flavoring and peeled shrimp. If I am going to be miserable and alone, I would at least like the food to be good. It is really all I have anymore.

I'm pretty sure that I am the most bitter person alive right now. At least the most bitter person alive in smalltown.
I'm not going to any more weddings. (An exception being my sister's, of course, when it happens before mine.)

I just want to cuss and maybe cry a little because I can. I'm frustrated and about thisclose to joining a convent and giving up on my dream of actually having a best friend/lover/partner in crime. I'm thisclose to saying "Why bother?"

... Ugh. I'll feel better in the morning. Screw it. Whatever.

I'm long overdue for a gratitude post, I'm aware. This blog has become the place where I purge all my negative emotions.

Here, one thing to be thankful for? M and his girlfriend were there. They are both super cool people. I don't hang out with them a whole lot. I should. I will have to more often.

Oh shit, son.

I've been trying to figure out a managable budget. I've come to the conclusion that I need to make more money... Somehow. It doesn't seem I can live on my own otherwise.

If I could find a roommate then it might be more doable... But I live in a town that most people run away from.

At this point, I can't say I blame them.

Also, I'm still hungry but I want to stop eating so much (to prepare me for the starving days ahead). AND I happen to be hating today.

Ok, my bitchfest's over. I apologize for the negativity. I'll do a gratitude post tonight to balance it.
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ToT.

Loathe:
Going to the gym in the evening. I feel so tired. Then I come home and I can't wind down. So I'm exhausted, but that doesn't matter anymore.

I'm cleaning tomorrow. My mom took off to help. We're going to clean the living room first.

I have to take proof into the school to show that I paid the stupid occupational taxes. The tax place (Berkheimer, I believe it was) told them I did not pay. I have canceled checks and records, bitches. But this makes me wonder, who else thinks I did not pay my taxes and do they matter?

I have a headache. One that may turn into a pounding headache. This means that after I am done typing this entry, I should probably turn off my light and close my eyes.

There's a ghost in our house. My sister saw it with her own two eyes. She looked like... she just saw a ghost.

Love:
Being clean at the end of the day.

Fruit snacks.

Balancing.

Seeing some of my favorite old men. (Seriously, seeing the couriers for the bank is just about the highlight of most of my days. The ex-courier stopped in today. Him and BC#2 would pick on me when they got together.)

Sleep. Because eventually it will come and it will make me relaxed and more awake... eventually.

Oh, one last thing... Well, two. ToT and a gameplan.

Loathe:
- people crapping out on me
- being uncertain
- not knowing what to do about vacation time
- feeling like ass

Love:
+ cherry, frosted pop tarts
+ frosted flakes
+ all things sugar
+ not feeling like death

Now... the game plan.

I got a Yoga Journal email about inversions today. It reminded me that I haven't done yoga in, like, forever.
So... I'm going to do yoga tomorrow. It's been so long.

If I can manage to get up at a decent time, I'll do a full hour routine (it seems to be gentler than the 30 minute routine... and my head's so stuffy that gentler's probably better). If I don't have a lot of time... I'll suffer through the 30 minute thing.

I should also try to do that v-shaped pilates thing that works your core so much. The one where you pump your arms up and down while the rest of your body forms a "v." Yeah... I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. (?)